06 January 2013 |
20 December 2012 |
For What Binds Us
There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they've been set down --
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.
And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
than the simple, untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,
as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest --
And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend
Painting : Gustav Klimt
Words : Of Gravity and Angels - Jane Hirshfield
21 August 2012 |
20 August 2012 |
We miss you so much, each of us in our own silent way. It pain doesn't show so much any more but it hurts no less. Everywhere we things that remind us of you, in some way - things you loved and things that we know you would have loved. We miss your smiles, your fun, your sweetness, your love. We
still want you every day.
And we will always love you more than the world can possibly understand....dearest Daniel.
Mamma, Neni and Lecia xxxx
02 March 2012 |
Today will always be your day, my Darling. We remember you and we miss you in every possible way. We try to imagine you turning seven, in a life where we haven't lost you. We cry, we ache, we long, we wish for you to still be here. But most of all we love you. We love you more than all the world and all the stars and everything else, forever and ever.
Have a happy birthday, precious Pikkewyntjie.
Mamma, Neni and Lecia.
13 January 2012 |
The paragraph to follow are from a book about a family who also lost their youngest child and brother, When a child dies by Jim O'Shea, the words could have been my own:
As they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease that pain, as the dark earth claimed their young brother.
08 January 2012 |
From my Facebook page, 2 days ago:
Three years without Daniel. It feels like a lifetime and also like just a moment ago, still unreal but also too real and more sad than words can say. We miss him every day, every second and find our comfort in the love we share, a love that will always be.
From a Skype chat with a friend, 3 days ago:
[2012/01/05 06:57PM] Alison Starbuck:tomorrow will most probably feel more empty than sadbut you never knowi also learned that these things are unpredictablei will just take the day as it comes
and do whatever feels easiest for me
i think i will be ok
From my heart, today:
I know now that I will probably ok regardless. I have no choice, if I managed to survive 3 years, I will survive the rest of my life. As sad as it may be. Even if I feel sure that no one can survive a heart as broken as mine.
It doesn't seem right or makes logical sense to me but this is how it is.
And this time of every year will be the time that Daniel died. It is more than just one day that marks another 365 days without him. It is a feeling that stretches over days from before Christmas until after his birthday in the beginning of March. I miss him more, feel sadder and every sorrowful emotion I had since he died keeps on surfacing in my heart and in my mind. I don't know what more to say or what to do more than just somehow making it through the minutes, hours and days. Until another year.
Until I die too.
01 January 2012 |
A little bird, a hole in my heart, an emptiness that cannot describe or understand, it feels so long and also so short. I miss you my Angel. Every moment of my life and with every breath I take. You know, I know. My tears. My sorrow. My wish that losing you wasn't true. A hopelessness and heartache too much to bear but somehow I do. I love you. I love you so much, as always and forever, my Daniel. Pikkewyntjie.